whiskey straight

no. 24

2012-01-28T23:25:00.001-08:00

it's times likes these...

i miss you snoring greatly.

no.22

2012-01-18T20:27:00.001-08:00

"I still keep losing the remote in all the blankets."

2012-01-07T22:44:00.001-08:00

2012-01-07T22:42:00.001-08:00

2012-01-07T22:41:00.003-08:00

2012-01-07T22:41:00.001-08:00

2012-01-07T22:40:00.001-08:00

2012-01-07T22:39:00.000-08:00

no.21

2012-01-07T22:30:00.001-08:00

2012-01-05T19:24:00.001-08:00

2012-01-05T19:17:00.001-08:00

2012-01-05T18:27:00.001-08:00

n0.20

2012-01-05T16:09:00.002-08:00

Buffalo Eye

no.19

2012-01-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

2012-01-04T22:41:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T22:32:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T22:31:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T17:13:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T17:10:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T17:08:00.002-08:00

no.18

2012-01-04T17:08:00.000-08:00

“I’m sorry if I’ve made your life more complicated. I’m sorry for a lot of things. But most of all I’m sorry I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. Even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say, was, thank you.”Carter Webb, In The Land Of Women

2012-01-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

2012-01-04T16:50:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T12:04:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T12:03:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T12:02:00.001-08:00

/ RESOLUTION /

2012-01-04T11:54:00.001-08:00

2012-01-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

simple.

2012-01-04T11:34:00.001-08:00

no.17

2012-01-04T11:28:00.000-08:00

Trout is all from Rolf Nylinder on Vimeo.

Good song, great video. Looks peaceful, I think ' like fly fishing.

no.16

2012-01-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

I went to that place last night. In the dark of the night, beneath the flicker of my eyes, I got to go there again, maybe it was the last time, but do you remember? It was just like paradise. It smelled so real, just like love and the trees and the breeze. It felt like snowflakes melting on my skin, it was deep and blue and green, freckled with doubt, alight with hope, sometimes it felt like floating. I guess there are places I may never really get to go again. I want to mark it with a great big X, leave bread crumbs on my way, just so that I'll know and never forget that I was there once so that I will never lose my way. When you take the deepest breath and feel it in your chest, just every now and then.. it's the place I carefully marked. When you close your eyes and see this place of mine, just know that I'll be there. I wish I caught my breath, I wish I never drowned, I wish I swam more gracefully, I wish I had learned to savor a moment. I must beware the thoughts that come in the night, it might be the place that memories make, but it feels like dying when the disappear when I wake.

no. 15

2012-01-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

Write it on your heart that everyday is the best day in the year.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

No. 14

2012-01-03T20:52:00.001-08:00

no.013

2011-09-11T23:43:00.000-07:00

come up to meet you--tell you I'm sorry--

no.012

2011-09-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

come'on skinny love...

2011-07-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

“It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.”

~ Rene Descartes (1596 - 1650)

009

2011-07-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

your past is just a story. And once you realize this, it has no power over you." - c. palahniuk

008

2011-07-09T21:10:00.001-07:00

007

2011-07-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

“I never confused what I had with what I was.” - Jonathan Safran Foer

weird time to post again.. but I can't sleep and found this quote.

Foer is one of my most favorite authors.

006

2011-05-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

I remember reading in my bed.. sideways...just reading.

lights out / and shutting the book and looking up/

and you, resting eyes... just resting.

n.005

2011-05-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

There's an enveloping fog around my head, long after the daylight has swept in.. the air is wet.. I blend well with grey these days, can't quite reach even the bluest blue. There is not a single thing that looks the same now that I'm twenty miles down the road, feels like I need a roadmap to find my way back home, I know deep down that I'll always know which way is north.. Sometimes it all hits me at once… I don't know what I am, I don't know who I am… I've been looking at my own shape for so long, wishing something to mold me into something better… tie anchors to my feet now.. I don't want to go out to sea. I'm not ready for the wolves .

2011-05-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

nightime is not so fun.

2011-05-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

"Memories are what warm you up from the inside.

But they're also what tear you apart."

num. 004

2011-05-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

theBlackKeys- the lengths

.003

2011-05-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

We need to start seeing ourselves as something that's blooming.

number 002

2011-04-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

"I would pretend so hard

that you couldn’t reach me.

A mountain

circled with lava

on an island

in an ocean

filled with dragons...

...It was never true."

number 001

2011-04-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

To fellow MS'ers///

2011-04-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

I don't often use this site as a forum for information... but after searching for information on Gilenya (fingolimod) I can't seem to get a clear picture of how people who are taking it feel... side effects? efficacy?

Do any of ya'll take this drug? And if so.. what are the pros/cons? any help would be appreciated.

slight of hand.

2011-03-08T21:09:00.000-08:00

why yes mr. york. I do believe you've done it again.
i'm a little late on this one... but pretty astounding nonetheless.

enjoy.

2011-02-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

this love is unexplainable... like magic and pixies and wonderland all together.

everything i thought I knew is thrown to the winds, cause this is all brand new...

Im am here.. open and vulnerable.

just smiling and in love.

Multiple What?

2011-02-03T20:07:00.000-08:00

One of the best excerpts I've read on MS.. Take a minute if you or someone you love has MS... it may hit your heart.

"Imagine feeling weak, in pain or like you have the flu and you struggle just to lift your arms or stand, knowing you need to do every day things like take a shower, make a meal or wash some laundry. Each day you must pick and choose one or two things to accomplish, leaving the other 100 things to accumulate.

Going out for an errand or social gathering takes even another juggle. In order to exert the energy to do this, many with MS must prepare for the journey by giving up various daily duties. For some, after the excursion, their symptoms often multiply and intensify.

Your friend or relative may experience symptoms from the inside that can be debilitating, even though they appear to be fine on the outside. As a result, we need to learn to listen to them when they tell us they are unable to complete a task or participate in an activity.

We often have difficulty understanding these hurdles, but it is crucial for us to allow those living with MS to make necessary changes according to their limitations.

In order to cope and thrive, they must avoid overdoing and overexertion or their symptoms can worsen. Therefore, it is very important to remember that they know when and what they can and cannot do, in order to manage their MS.

We should not feel as if we need to “cheer” them back to the “way they were before.” Remember, your loved one did not choose to have this disorder and they will fight every day to keep their dreams and desires alive. Most likely, no one would like to be back to normal our loved one. Nonetheless, faulting them for not being able to do things they used to be able to do, could only make them feel as if they are no longer valuable.

In fact, the last thing they want is to give up those activities in their lives that are dear to them. Yet, when they push themselves beyond their limitations, they can become much worse. As a consequence, increased stress, exposure to heat and overtaxing oneself can all cause a relapse, exacerbation of symptoms or even further permanent damage.

The best way to support a loved one in this situation is to allow him or her to say, “no” when they feel they need to, even when we do not totally understand why. If they are repeatedly asked to do what they have told us they cannot handle, this will only add to their frustration, feelings of worthlessness and mourning of their losses. Moreover, they will feel alone in their challenges, because we do not understand or respect their boundaries.

What Can We Do?

1) Avoid the temptation to make a visual diagnosis by stating, “Gee, you look like you are feeling good.” We cannot see how they feel on the inside, from the outside.

2) Learn to be aware of their symptoms, despite how chipper they may appear during our visit with them. After all, they smile because they enjoy seeing us. They are also trying to keep a positive outlook, despite the pain, not necessarily because they feel good and are doing well.

3) Do not push for them to tell us they are “having a good day,” if they are not. Some have mostly good days and some bad. Some have mostly bad and some good. We should allow them to be honest.

4) Acknowledge what they are going through. It may mean a few or even a whole lot of changes and losses. They do not require our complete understanding, just our belief in them.

5) Respect their limitations. When a person has MS, they must manage their condition by staying within boundaries. Over-doing oneself only can lead to increase in symptoms. We must allow them to say “no,” even if we do not fully understand.

6) Tell them how much we admire their strength and determination. Many times people living with illness are treated as if they are just being weak or lazy. But, if we examine the evidence, we will find someone who actually has incredible courage, strength and perseverance."

http://www.invisibledisabilities.org/educate/invisibleawareness/multiplewhat/

there's always a siren singing me to shipwreck

2010-11-19T01:04:00.000-08:00

I remember when the stars were enough for me. A short gaze up and I could remember what it was like to have innocence, a full heart and a clear head. Plagued with wonder and amazement at all the could be's and would be's.

There was always so much freedom and promise in the stars.

Now I look up and what I see is space and time.. forgotten plans and misplaced memories. I can't help but wonder if I care way too much or not enough… I get mad at myself for not knowing the right answers, the right actions, the right words. I wonder who I am, who I've become. It feels like I'm walking in the dark, tripping over my own feet, like I'm an accident waiting to happen, crossing lines and skinning knees. I've truly lost all my certainties and become unclear on what's important to me. Have I said too much? Have I not said enough? There are fleeting moments when I've thought I had it all figured out but then I get so lost that I feel insignificant. Sometimes feeling insignificant is the worst feeling in the world. I have too many faults.. l act superior as a defense mechanism. Truth is, more times than not, I feel so inadequate, that I'd gladly take feeling insignificant in it's place. I don't know if I want to be alone or if I don't want to be alone, it seems as if I'm lonely even when surrounded. I want to do so many things, but I'm worried that I'm just too late. It's all become a mess of webs and space and time inside of here…

there are no more shining stars.

today.

2010-10-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

i love JD Salinger

"I'm not going to bed after all. Somebody around here hath murdered sleep. Good for him." -J.D.Salinger, Seymour:An Introduction

"Boy, when you are dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a god dam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you are dead? Nobody. "

"... she was terrific to hold hands with. Most girls, if you hold hands with them, their goddam hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hands all the time, as if they were afraid they'd bore you or something. Jane was different. We'd get into a goddam movie or something, and right away we'd start holding hands, and we won't quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, whether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were. "

today

2010-08-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

pretty much.

it's hard to think about anything but to breathe

2010-08-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Came across this song the other day from chicago/portland based band the fruit bats.

"When U Love Somebody" is the title of the track from their Mouthfuls album.

It was also featured on the soundtrack of this years film Youth in Revolt.

"When U Love Somebody" - Fruit Bats

the one you feed

2010-07-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

“The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old chief simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

oh how I've waited...

2010-06-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

time for cut-offs and dresses and beers on the front porch

pool parties and icy delights underneath the sun....

I'm dreaming of this little number... maybe I'll have it sometime soon.

my friend nic posted this over on her blog Castiron Songs and I thought I'd share it too..

if you haven't had a chance... go check these fellas out.. I bet they're coming to a town near you.

Delta Spirit- St. Francis

goodnight moon....

2010-06-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

Right now, I feel good. I feel good knowing that you care about me. I feel good knowing that you will give me a chance. I feel good knowing you see me for what I am, not what they say I am. I feel good when you send me cute songs to tell me how much you care.

I want you to know how much I love you. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my head. I want you to know that when I'm not with you, you're in my mind. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm smiling and the reason I feel safe.

I love how you play the guitar in the corner of the room. I love how your eyes smile when you look at me. I love secretly watching you and M. play out of the corner of my eye. I love how you kiss me. I love how you hold me. I love the way you sound when you're sleeping. I love the way you wake up early but stay in bed just to wait for me.

You're beautiful. You're so beautiful that thousands of people deserve to hear about you.

And I am lucky... everyday as it comes... I want you to know that I feel lucky.

There's a light on the porch here for you

2010-06-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

Purple- Crustatean

all this talk about dreaming...

2010-06-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

I've got to seriously stop wanting.

post script...

2010-06-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

I keep dreaming about flying... like jumping up and floating in the air..
is dreamland trying to tell me that I am not human or something?
I mean... it's fun and all to go flying when I sleep... but I wake up quite exhausted...
I think I'd really like to just sleep when I sleep..
ya know?

oh.. that's smart.

2010-06-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Saw this on notebookdoodles today and really liked it...

I supposed sometimes quotes can teach me a few lessons in life..

happy thursday... love and smiles.

-g

sitting like a daisy

2010-06-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

"She said she knew she was able to fly because when she came down

she always had dust on her fingers from touching the light bulbs."

— J.D. Salinger

two hands on deck.

2010-05-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

sure am feelin' like a rainbow today.

the colors are so bright I can barely see

i wonder.

2010-05-26T21:15:00.001-07:00

beautiful.

2010-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

yes please.

2010-05-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

life's MSfortune.

2010-05-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

(but the days when it's less are so much sweeter)

shake shake shake

2010-05-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

“Because music, like color, or a cloud, is neither intelligent nor unintelligent - it just is. The chord, the simplest building block for even the tritest, silliest chart song, is a beautiful, perfect, mysterious thing, and when an ill-read, uneducated, uncultured, emotionally illiterate boor puts a couple of them together, he has every chance of creating something wonderful and powerful. All I ask of music is that it sounds good.”

— Nick Hornby, Songbook

Today is god's day.

2010-05-23T08:31:00.001-07:00

let's rest.

it was the way i fell...

2010-05-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

If people could see me the way I see myself -

if they could live in my memories - would anyone love me?

— John Green

just thought I'd let you know

2010-05-18T16:07:00.001-07:00

I got pinned down.

Acupuncture is bliss....

a dream in my eyes tonight

2010-05-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

— You Are Tired, e.e. cummings

i wrote you a poem.

2010-05-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

If I fell into the sea

you would swim to me

if I got wound up tight and out of control

you would gently unwind me out of my spool

that's the kind of love you have

if i were to fall from the sky

you would make me wings so I could fly

you would follow me around

and put cushions on the ground

that's the kind of love you have

yeah that's the kind of love you have.

because I do.

2010-04-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

I whispered low…

i say that it's just ghosts

they take me to the places that I tend to know

gonna make you familiar to me in the dark

watch all my houses coming down

watch you wear this crown
high up on the mountain
the mountain where I put you

got to put things high,
high above the stars..

beautiful to see...
but to destroy..
much too far...

come closer than the ghosts darling...

lay closer than the ghosts...

take me far
from the places that I tend to know.

i finally found it.

2010-04-23T15:03:00.001-07:00

all aboard the train to loveland.

you can be king & I will be queen

2010-04-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

Sometime I feel like throwing my hands up in the air

I know I can count on you.

You've got the love I need to see me through

Florence+ The Machine- You've got the love

Florence+ The Machine- You've got the love (The XX Remix)

just thinking...

2010-04-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

simple.

2010-04-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

Gorillaz- Plastic Beach

never been a fighter or a lover/ never thought it made much sense

2010-04-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

i took the long way home

I needed time alone

I breathed the evening air...

... and I wished that you were there

Brendan Benson with Ashley Monroe "Fool Out Of Me" from

Lake Fever Sessions on Vimeo.

i never thought much of the city lights

2010-04-13T02:06:00.000-07:00

I'll take you with me wherever I go

Singing you sweet songs I know so well

Halfway to heaven, still halfway to hell

I'm going home to you now, home to you now...

Tall as a birch tree/ strong as the pines/

I'll take you with me wherever I go.

Cory Chisel- See it My Way

nobody knows what nobody sees..

2010-04-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

Oh come for me lover

when the clouds come down...

The bird came out of the underworld and placed a cross on the ocean.

Father Sun was born, climbed up the cross ... in this way killing the world's darkness with his blows.

Father Sun created earthly beings with his saliva, which appeared in the shape of red foam on the surface of the ocean's waves. New things are born from hearts or essences, which we see in the red sea foam that flowed from the Sun ... .

The Sun itself has a "heart" that is its forerunner.

I woke my mom up at 5:30 am today... she sat with me and my insomia.. layed in bed with me actually..

and we talked... about who I am.. where I came from... it was one of the best moments I can remember. I never knew what tribe I was from.. but I think we figured out I am part from this tribe called the Wixåritari Indians...

The eagle-stars, our Father's luminous creatures, hurl themselves into the lagoons and ... Nacawé's water serpents ... rise into the skies to shape the clouds

... those are their beliefs

The Wixåritari think that two opposed cosmic forces exist in the world : an fiery one represented by Tayaupá, "Our Father" the Sun, and an aquatic one, represented by Nacawé, the Rain Goddess.

It makes me feel like I belong somewhere...

I am pieces of a puzzle... of history and ancestry... years go by and who I am/ what I am... will always be here even when I am not....

I've been feeling like my old self again/ I been drinkin to my own health again

2010-04-12T12:33:00.000-07:00

had a chat with a friend this morning...

AIM IM with xxxxxxxx 4/12/10 9:03 AM

back in effffffffffect!!!!

yeahhhhh

love it

Me too, I was so sick even on percocets And other stuff, I was still in so much pain, throwing up.. and couldn't move.

that's not nice

no.. but it's all okay.. I was in the hospital twice.. I thought I was gonna die so I had my mom come out. She flies back to texas today

i know! i heard!

but you wanna know the good thing?

What's the good thing?

the good thing is that the first time I got diagnosed and really sick.. It put a lot of things into perspective and it's so easy to lose grasp of that idea. But getting so sick again, it reminded me how happy things are...

how much they mean...

I was able to take moose for a walk for the first time yesterday..

I was able to walk from my bed to the living room

and as I was walking... I thought... man... this is really awesome...
Life is soooooooooo beautiful..

is that corny?

not at all!

i think everyone needs those moments

It put me back on track on getting things into perspective...

Maybe I get so swept up in life sometimes. that I don't breathe and think of it on my own..forget to appreciate thing... so somehow my body reacts... and it like puts me under arrest and thats it's way of telling me to check my head

Well, that's a kinda good thing

i mean.. a little much on the whole arrest thing.. but it's nice to remind yourself about how good things are.

Yeah, just stop arresting me...

yeah.. Just be cool!!

Totally! Maybe just give me food poisoning or something

... although...

I guess it wouldn't have the same effect.

I like having perspective.

a crumb or two.

2010-04-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

Will someone please help..

I'm eating saltines in bed at 5:30 in the morning..

there are going to be a lot of crumbs...

we're going to need to vacuum.

p.s. I hope this means that wellness is on it's way.

all you need.

2010-04-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

today has been okay.

2010-04-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

today has been okay- emiliana torrini

Heard this amazing song today while sitting at home sick watching hulu episodes of a show I now like called parenhood. I know, don't judge. Anyhow, take a listen. Makes me feel good.

in a matter of time

2010-04-05T17:25:00.000-07:00

it's ok.

2010-04-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

sometimes I forget to say things that matter...

what mostly matters now though.. is making sure you know

in my eyes you are the brightest thing I've ever seen..

2010-04-02T09:13:00.001-07:00

Let There be L O V E .

2010-03-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

"I FELT LIKE CRYING BUT NOTHING CAME OUT. IT WAS JUST A SORT OF SAD SICKNESS, SICK SAD, WHEN YOU CAN’T FEEL ANY WORSE. I THINK YOU KNOW IT. I THINK EVERYBODY KNOWS IT NOW AND THEN. BUT I THINK I HAVE KNOWN IT PRETTY OFTEN, TOO OFTEN." - charles Bukowski

the sun is on the way.

2010-03-29T17:27:00.000-07:00

find myself smiling at the air, the sun, a passing thought... and I'm not sure I've really told you.

how happy you make me.

I daydream of you and the things that you do.

i whisper in your ear...

2010-03-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

I really wish my house had a darkroom

and an air conditioner right now.

she said she'll take broken hearts and throw them away

2010-03-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

we keep the same rhythm... but we're so out of sync

"Frame The City".. .. while laying staring at the ceiling today this song came on and something about it sunk into my ears in a sweet understanding sort of way. Kind of reminds me of Electric President and oddly a little postal service.

Frame The City- We Were Wolves

"THERE ARE CERTAIN EMOTIONS IN YOUR BODY THAT NOT EVEN YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH, BUT YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT SONG OR THE RIGHT BOOK, AND IT WILL UNDERSTAND YOU."

tell me how's the way to go, tell me how's the way to be

2010-03-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

I don't see clearly can't feel nothing no

Can't you hear me?

And i fall on my knees

And angels will call on me

Now everywhere i go

Angels will call on me

And take me to my home

Lissie- Everywhere I Go

fragile or weak?

2010-03-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

i can't breathe, can barely sleep...

I toss and turn beneath these grey sheets, hoping to see things in brighter colors, to little avail. I realize now that no matter how often or sparse, nothing can prepare me for these moments when things go so terribly awry. I feel the blood rush from my head into my hands, but i can't feel anything. Just this nagging numbness, these tingling toes, this emptiness and disbelief. I think so much, but my thoughts seem to become endless tattered ideas... For a moment I breathe and I remember.. something is different in me... from that diagnosis day forth... things will never ever be the same, no matter how hard I try or who tries with me, life took a universal u-turn and it's my choice whether I am left here to bleed or carry-on. This is my story.

Today I hung my feet from the pier for a brief moment, tears in my eyes kept me warm from the breeze.. I watched passersby... wondering what they might think if they were to see this tube in my arm, the IV pumping through. i wished I never knew what this felt like, I wished that for a few days I could wake up happy and kiss the one I love, and show him how I remember life to feel before I felt this way. I wish I felt like me..

For some reason I feel like I need to tell you (whoever reads this blog) what ms feels like. Not just all this emotional stuff.. but text book... physical. In case you suffer from it yourself or someone you love does... it's MS awareness month.. and it's coming to a close.. and well, I am in the thick of it at the moment.. so here goes:

1. I have no balance. I can't remember what its like to stand on one leg. I walk into walls and therefore get many bruises because of it.

2. Fatigue- i know.. people always say. "yeah, I've been really tired lately" when you try to explain "fatigue" to them.. and I wish I could yell that it's not the same. I have it bad..not just from MS but from being really anemic as well. Sometimes speaking is too much effort, raising my arms is too hard.. everything just wants to stop working because i am just sooo "tired"

3. Spasticity- I have been chronically stiff. I'm not even sure if it hurts or not because I've become so accustomed to this level of discomfort. my muscles are like rocks.. (that aint no joke)

4. Bees in my spine/toes/shoulders/ feeling electric-- my whole left side gets a party bag of sensations. When cold water touches my feet it feels like I'm burning, sometimes it feels like instead of butterfly in my tummy I have them in my spine... my leg and foot get this deep itch often where it feels like my bones are itching and burning. NOT COOL.

5. This one is kind of embarassing, but nonetheless.. it's a part of it.. and if I'm going to be honest I need to talk about it. GOING PEE. I constantly "think" I need to pee. But I don't really need to pee at all.. just a strange little nerve telling me I do. wahooo...

I dont expect this to change anything.. I am so afraid to exist lately. I feel so often like I don't have the strength to put up hearty resolutes. My insides are caving in, my veins exhausted, my stomach turning.. my heart is spilling out into the open for everyone to see... maybe today.. I will lock it all in a box.. and regain my faith... what goes up must come down... what comes down..MUST go up.

MS you never cease to amaze me.

you really got a hold on me

2010-03-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

my backwards walk

2010-03-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes lines blur.. you start to become unclear on where you drew them or if you ever put them down at all... intentions are hazy.. words are just like bullets and music and rain clouds... leaving marks on your heart with every letter.. I question the nature of purity, I question motives and follow through. friends are too precious to not care how you treat them... selfless or selfish.. safety is where I belong. my mind is quiet-- for once. I feel you.

uncertainty is just a fear.

2010-03-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

Now the soft parade has soon begun

2010-03-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

I just wonder
what goes through your mind when

you look at me and smile.

closed my eyes to breathe.

2010-03-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

David Vandervelde- Someone Like You