Sunday, October 28, 2018

It's mostly my own fault

I took a long hard look in the mirror and finally I could see everything.
I could see everything...

Every fiber in my body wanted me to look away- I couldn't take the scenes unfolding -- I made myself sick but I forced my eyes open.   I know this is important-- I know this is me-- and I need to see-- I need to see myself exposed... I need to see myself through your eyes-- through all of their eyes... I need to see what I've done.

How do I change it?  This person that I've become.  How did I ever become it?  I can barely stand the thought of it. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin right now.  Thinking of who I am and what I've done makes my bones shake and my head ache. I want to peel off this layer of who I am and become somebody new.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I'm so damn sorry to all of you.

I hardly have any words... this look in the mirror left me unhinged.   I have no excuses... the best thing that I can do for you, the best way that I can be there for you... I know is to walk away.  I don't want to have to walk away again from someone who is beautiful and true and just like the sun.  My heart loves you so much- so purely- but I understand now that my heart has always been fearful and it never showed you that love in the way that love should be shown.  How could i love someone and treat them this way?  HOW?  How did my love not come out the right way? 

Here's the truth:

I've been damaged- I've been broken- I've suffered traumas that no one should ever have to suffer.. and it changed me... I didn't realize how much--I didn't see it at all. And it's not an excuse- it should never be an excuse.  I just didn't know.

The need to control was born from fear- a fear of abandonment, a fear of vulnerability, a fear of things going wrong.

The fear came after everything always went wrong, after I was abandoned, after I let myself be vulnerable.  So to protect myself somewhere along the way I learned to control.  If I can control what's happening around me- then maybe nothing bad will happen- If I can control my emotions then I will never be vulnerable and can't get hurt.  If I can control my relationship then maybe I can be sure that they'll always love me and never abandon me. 

None of it works... none of it.  All I did was hurt those that I loved with my control.. all I did was push them to abandon me, all I did was assure bad things would happen.... all I did was hurt myself.

I feel so rotten-- how could I not see all the hurt and destruction I was causing... Why was I so fearful when all that you were was good and safe?  Why did you love me anyway?

God I feel sick-- I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be controlling.  How do I change? How do I make it better?

in my head-- all I keep saying is I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.. that I ever made you feel invaluable, that I ever made you feel not enough, that I ever made you feel small, that I ever made you feel any ounce of doubt or unlove.   You don't deserve that... and I would say that I will never do it again, the honest truth is that I NEVER want to do it again to anyone ever... but I know it will take work.. long, hard introspection and time.  So from this day forward, I promise to always be aware and to do my best to never let it happen to someone I love again.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... for all the hurt and destruction I have caused.  I take my responsibility. I see it now.....

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