The Blues are still BLUE

Dear blog,
O.K. look. I have to come clean about a few things.
I am in A huge mess. I feel like I am in the middle of a massive life crisis... I have done everything within my power to not have it affect me, but considering the situation, I can't dance around it forever.

I've been living with this unknown entity that plagues my body on and off for years now... and a few days ago.. I lost the feeling in the lower left 1/2 of my body. Pins and needles, that's all I feel.. my left feels as if it were miles away from me.. and my mind tries to control it by telling it to walk...it's scary.. sitting in hot bath water feeling heat on one leg and not the other..

My life has been in total shambles for a while now it seems. On top of this broken heart and broken brain, I'm also going through a massive dark cloud. i live daily in somewhat of personal hell, and here i am having to do my best to pretend that I've still got my head above water. So that leaves me in a mess of a situation. Day after Day I face my demons and I fget stuck inside my head. I think about how awful my life has become. I mean, I know how depression and misery work. I know that NO ONE wants to hear about how fucked up and down another person is and that life may not be that awful. I know that my blogs go a lot better when i am manic and loving life. That's just it. i don't have a lot to offer in general, but i can promise this. i will ALWAYS be genuine.

So here I am. In the muck again. Up to my waste in Dark Water. Going to sleep alone, waking up to demons, or worse, waking up to the new day or to the man who just wants to know how he can help. I've been going through mental highs and lows for a long time. Sometimes they correspond with real life. Sometimes they are connected only to a sick game going on in the mind. Either way, It's always real to me. Usually I would just hide away and wait around until I felt healthy and active again. Then I would be able to pull off enough work to get me through troubles that were bound to be up ahead again. But lately, i have to try to pull it together every day. I have a hard time faking it. Well here I am, and here I stand. Maybe you know my feeling. It's really hard to work against my mood, my heart and my soul. It's hard to show all of your vulnerabilities to the world.

So... I was going to write more about theses things that torment me, you know? But I've been thinking a lot about it, and it doesn't make any sense for me to sit here telling you about them. You either know what I'm talking about or you don't. If you are the one of the one in a hundred thousand people that are familiar with it/them, then my heart goes out to you. It's horrible, but you know that.
What a nightmare. There are a lot of reasons you may want to label me as crazy, but this isn't one of them. this is war, and I have no way of winning it. So here i am in that Limbo. Fighting an ageless fight and losing it.
So here's to anyone that ever put too much faith in me. I'm sorry that i let you down, but i can only carry so much weight. I just can't be what everyone wants me to be. I can't even be what I want me to be.