Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
I hope you find this...
I hope curiosity gets the best of you and you find yourself here. I hope I am not intimidating in my words, but honest and gentle instead. I'm a kind person, you'll see. It was never meant to be this way.
Things can change drastically from day to day, I've learned this an unfortunate amount of times. So while I put no blame on anyone but myself, I also believe there comes a point in time where everyone deserves to know the truth. Those eyes that get hidden behind. It starts to happen so often it becomes hard to tell stories from truth. Eventually, one either believes or questions everything. Our naiveté most often determines what we'll choose.
I just wanted you to know, that I've been around. Up until now, I've been around.
Like a greyhound running his best race, going round and round chasing a puppet on a string. I've been quiet and steady and happy and sad every single day. I didn't realize what was happening to me until it happened. Until I opened my eyes. It happened with a photograph, that moment that made me see the real truth. All this time darling, that man was having his cake and eating it too.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Think what you will. The words to this song resonates with me.
Monday, October 7, 2013
I wish it were easier to put these emotions to a pen & paper. Usually pen is easier for me than voice. Unfortunately what’s whirling in my heart and mind and whole being is too much to pin down for now.
I wonder how I've gotten to this point. Mind knows better than heart, heart is lost at sea. It's as if I'd been anchored, but the boat still drifted while I was kept in place. I'm watching where I should be, slowly disappear on the horizon. I wonder if you notice I am missing?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The National: I Need My Girl from respectator on Vimeo.
The past few days I’ve really been trying to remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for in my life, all those beautiful things I don’t deserve but get to enjoy anyway.
It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking of what I don’t have. Things missing, taken and lost. I so often forget the lessons I have learned from life. The beauty I was finally able to see when my health went out the door and my eyes were open. Fortunately, I never have to look far before I’m humbled by all the precious gifts and love around me.
I'm still learning everyday how to be with myself in solitude. How to listen to the sounds. For now, I don’t know what my future looks like but the idea of fighting to keep my dreams alive is necessary.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
I think God effing hates me.
Regret is such an asshole. The one feeling that I cannot stand to feel. I dont know about you, but when I feel regret I torture myself with all the what if's and the could of's. It's like drowning in a bathtub of shallow water. You know all you need to do is lift your head but for someone reason you stay face first in the warm puddle. Something feels disgustingly good about relishing in the misery. It tells me I am capable of feeling something and that's a feat in itself. The only thing I wish, is that the feelings I am capable of feeling weren't just sadness and regret. I wish I could relish in the happy moments when they were right in front of me.
Ah, the self sabotage I do... it's killing me.
How do I stop and where do I even begin?
Monday, April 22, 2013
My skin is tightening around my bones. I think that it might strangle me. I feel overwhelmingly trapped. Like I'm dying for a breath of fresh air and a moment of peace. There's this point where everything inside of me starts to feel broken. So broken, that I can't even cry about it, because my tears too are falling apart. These moments come and go, just as the sun rises and falls, though not in any sort of predictable manner. Sometimes things get too quiet so I act up to give myself something to think about. My body succumbs to the disease living inside of it. Is it because I am allowing it to do so? If so, how do I learn to refuse? Broken parts heal, silence becomes peaceful.. I realize.. I'm ok. Are you ok?