Thursday, July 30, 2015

It's just how i look in the light

Something has gone terribly awry here.  Like time has passed at warped speed and before I knew it I was standing here with a hole in my heart and no place to call home.  Feeling like an outcast on the inside, looking like I must belong from the outside.  Somewhere between time and space I took a crooked turn, and my crooked smile got lost along the way. Somewhere I went horribly wrong, somewhere I made a really bad decision.  What I want and what I thought I wanted didn't match up and now I can't set it right.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about the time that i turned left when you turned right.  I can feel myself spiraling.. down, down, down she goes... into the pits of my stomach, the marrow of my bones... I must deserve this loneliness.. for what I've done.  Will i ever stop walking away?

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Made to fit

Been thinking, Maybe I always feel out of place because I am always placing myself where I don't belong. So, I've STARTED PROMISING MYSELF TO NEVER STAY ANYWHERE I’M NOT VERY MUCH WANTED. I HAVE TOO MANY SCARS TO BE BREAKING MY BONES TO FIT INTO PLACES THAT WEREN’T MADE TO FIT ME.

Saturday, May 3, 2014


It's been a while since I've simply let my fingers graze these keys.  My mind get's filled with so many thoughts and dreams that I often get overwhelmed and as a result get nothing out. I was thinking today, sitting in silence and suddenly the words weren't fleeting anymore.

I've realized (finally) that, for the most part, I've become the woman I never thought I would be.  A woman who is simply comfortable in her own skin and sure of who she is and where she belongs. A woman who can look at all the people in her life that surround her with love and feel truly grateful and happy for each one of them.   I by no means have it all figured out nor have everything I want, but this place that I'm at in my life is a place I never envisioned I would be. Not even in my wildest dreams.  So for this moment, I am extremely proud of where I am. This is the first time I've stopped worrying when it would happen and instead embraced and realized the fact that it has happened. I've survived many obstacles up to this point and I can't even imagine who I would be without them.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

so this is the new year.

A few weeks late, but I felt I should reflect on the past year.  2013 wrecked me in many ways.  Straight from the start I nursed a broken heart. But looking back I should admit that it was equally the most incredible and by far one of the hardest years I've had in a while.  I could not tell up from down or dark from light. It was as if I'd been flipped and twisted every which way. I was emptied, but now I am filled back up.  I am stronger and happier than I could have imagined months ago.  More content with where my path has lead me and filled with faith and trust that this is where I was meant to be.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Our hearts are made to be broken, but they are also made to heal

Everything hurts. My skin and bones hurt, my soul hurts, my heart hurts.
My mind feels like it's on the verge of spinning out of control and I can feel it teetering.  I'm managing to hold on to the one strand that's keeping me strong but I'm oh so tempted to let it all go.  I've never been able to comprehend people dying.  How someone can be in your life one moment, in every moment, and then completely gone the next.  I've always been fearful of losing the ones I love.  I try so hard to never feel sorry for myself, to always be grateful for the blessings I have, but there's occasionally times like these, when everything comes down on me at once and I feel like I lose control, I lose my faith and I question-"who would allow such sadness to happen?" I'll try not to linger too long in this place, but right now I just want to be hugged so tight that all my broken pieces are put back together. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Our hearts are made to be broken, but they are also made to heal

It was almost 5 years ago, that I truly started going through what has been one of the most difficult situations I've ever had to bare thus far in my life: getting diagnosed with MS. I remember the time as if it were yesterday. I remember how life was surrounding it. Not only the diagnosis and the fear of what would happen to my body everyday but I also remember how my relationships with people in my life either grew or fell apart, and how that pain too felt endless. Now I remember that It was because of this process and my will to endure, survive and overcome that I had to dig deep to find meaning and answers. Now I must re-apply these findings, and remember my own strength. 

Having this perspective again has helped me see that everything that happens is a reaction to something else.  It was only because I changed my view, took a few steps to the side, that I am able to understand what is happening and where it's all coming from. This understanding has given me peace and awareness.

I've decided to start accepting what is happening instead of desiring things to be different. I want to stop hurting and I know that the only way to achieve this is to be fully present and to stop obsessing on outside things over which I have no full control. It's not so much about the final process itself but more about what I can do now with what I have this instant.

I've begun a very intimate process of gratitude.  I will thank the universe for absolutely everything that is happening in my life and start acknowledging every small moment of joy that I have been fortunate to savor.  Little by little I know I will start to find joy in the small things again.  My body is trying desperately to tell me something: that relying on others for happiness, well-being and joy is wrong.  I need to provide these things for myself and I will make my greatest effort to get to the day when I can once again breathe calmly and deeply. 


Thursday, October 10, 2013

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Monday, September 16, 2013

I'm a hostage.

/ it's a very fine line babe, between you and me..
and I crossed it many times. /

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

magic always meant so much


Can't be sad with a lap full of flowers.

life itself

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Saturday, July 20, 2013

That kind of love

That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.

Deb Caletti

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I am good, I am grounded.. I can't get my head around it

The National: I Need My Girl from respectator on Vimeo.

The past few days I’ve really been trying to remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for in my life, all those beautiful things I don’t deserve but get to enjoy anyway.

 It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking of what I don’t have. Things missing, taken and lost. I so often forget the lessons I have learned from life. The beauty I was finally able to see when my health went out the door and my eyes were open.  Fortunately, I never have to look far before I’m humbled by all the precious gifts and love around me.

 I'm still learning everyday how to be with myself in solitude. How to listen to the sounds. For now, I don’t know what my future looks like but the idea of fighting to keep my dreams alive is necessary.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Is it possible?

I think God effing hates me.
what other reason could there be?

whatever is true + right

I will always try to do my best to take the high road.  I'd like to do what is true and right.  Striving to be goodis always at the forefront of my mind.  If I've ever let you down, I'm sorry.  I will never be perfect but one day I hope I will be who I strive to be.  Until then, I take aim- forward with my arrows.. I miss my mark every time but at least I am still shooting.

regrets and no regrets

Regret is such an asshole. The one feeling that I cannot stand to feel.   I dont know about you, but when I feel regret I torture myself with all the what if's and the could of's.  It's like drowning in a bathtub of shallow water.  You know all you need to do is lift your head but for someone reason you stay face first in the warm puddle.  Something feels disgustingly good about relishing in the misery.  It tells me I am capable of feeling something and that's a feat in itself.  The only thing I wish, is that the feelings I am capable of feeling weren't just sadness and regret.  I wish I could relish in the happy moments when they were right in front of me.

Ah, the self sabotage I do... it's killing me.
How do I stop and where do I even begin?

Monday, April 22, 2013

i swear we were friends

"I held my own / Still I rattled your bones 
Before we were lovers, I swear we were friends"