Monday, February 3, 2014

To me- from you.

I think I forgot how amazing it feels to be this in love.
Do you remember what you felt like then?

Thursday, January 23, 2014


It's been a while, since I've had words to say that might mean something. Even now the words don't come as easy as they used too, but I feel as though, even a few weeks late, I should reflect on the year.  2013 wrecked me in many ways.  Straight from the start I nursed a broken heart. But looking back I should admit that it was equally the most incredible and by far one of the hardest years I've had in a while.  I could not tell up from down or dark from light. It was as if I'd been flipped and twisted every which way. I was emptied, but now I am filled back up.  I am stronger and happier than I could have imagined months ago.  More content with where my path has lead me and filled with faith and trust that this is where I was meant to be.   I feel so overwhelmingly blessed and humbled and  I am filled with gratitude.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

happiness is confusing

Everything hurts. My skin and bones hurt, my soul hurts, my heart hurts.
My mind feels like it's on the verge of spinning out of control and I can feel it teetering.  I'm managing to hold on to the one strand that's keeping me strong but I'm oh so tempted to let it all go.  I've never been able to comprehend people leaving.  How someone can be in your life one moment, in every moment, and then completely gone the next.  I've always been fearful of losing the ones I love.  I try so hard to never feel sorry for myself, to always be grateful for the blessings I have, but there's occasionally times like these, when everything comes down on me at once and I feel like I lose control, I lose my faith and I wonder-" what have I ever done to deserve all the pains I've been given in my life?" When will I get a break?  When will someone hug me and tell me everything will be okay? When can I just be myself, and have someone who loves me for it, who stands beside me no matter what and won't leave when the going gets tough.  When will I have my turn at happiness?

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


In the meantime.

I hope you find this...
I hope curiosity gets the best of you and you find yourself here. I hope I am not intimidating in my words, but honest and gentle instead.  I'm a kind person, you'll see. It was never meant to be this way.

Things can change drastically from day to day, I've learned this an unfortunate amount of times.  So while I put no blame on anyone but myself, I also believe there comes a point in time where everyone deserves to know the truth.  Those eyes that get hidden behind. It starts to happen so often it becomes hard to tell stories from truth.  Eventually, one either believes or questions everything.  Our naiveté most often determines what we'll choose.

I just wanted you to know, that I've been around.  Up until now, I've been around.

Like a greyhound running his best race, going round and round chasing a puppet on a string. I've been quiet and steady and happy and sad every single day.  I didn't realize what was happening to me until it happened. Until I opened my eyes. It happened with a photograph, that moment that made me see the real truth.  All this time darling, that man was having his cake and eating it too.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Chapter One.

Don't you ever say I just walked away / I will always want you

Think what you will. The words to this song resonates with me.

Monday, October 7, 2013

sweetheart, what have you done to us?

I wish it were easier to put these emotions to a pen & paper. Usually pen is easier for me than voice. Unfortunately what’s whirling in my heart and mind and whole being is too much to pin down for now. 
I wonder how I've gotten to this point.  Mind knows better than heart, heart is lost at sea. It's as if I'd been anchored, but the boat still drifted while I was kept in place.  I'm watching where I should be, slowly disappear on the horizon.  I wonder if you notice I am missing? 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


I want to be well, I want to feel happy. 
Sometimes the wanting gets so overwhelming that I can't even think straight. 
There are times, when I really wonder... How much more can I take?
When does the good come? And then I realize, I can take a heck of a lot more.
And when it comes, I'll still stand tall. But, a little reprieve would sure be nice every now and again. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

I'm a hostage.

/ it's a very fine line babe, between you and me..
and I crossed it many times. /

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

magic always meant so much


Can't be sad with a lap full of flowers.

life itself

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.

Monday, August 12, 2013

To You (yeah you)

After all the storms..

Saturday, July 20, 2013

will it ever happen

That’s what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you’re not so lovable.

Deb Caletti

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I am good, I am grounded.. I can't get my head around it

The National: I Need My Girl from respectator on Vimeo.

The past few days I’ve really been trying to remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for in my life, all those beautiful things I don’t deserve but get to enjoy anyway.

 It’s so easy to get caught up in thinking of what I don’t have. Things missing, taken and lost. I so often forget the lessons I have learned from life. The beauty I was finally able to see when my health went out the door and my eyes were open.  Fortunately, I never have to look far before I’m humbled by all the precious gifts and love around me.

 I'm still learning everyday how to be with myself in solitude. How to listen to the sounds. For now, I don’t know what my future looks like but the idea of fighting to keep my dreams alive is necessary.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Is it possible?

I think God effing hates me.

what other reason could there be?

whatever is true + right

I will always try to do my best to take the high road.  I'd like to do what is true and right.  Striving to be goodis always at the forefront of my mind.  If I've ever let you down, I'm sorry.  I will never be perfect but one day I hope I will be who I strive to be.  Until then, I take aim- forward with my arrows.. I miss my mark every time but at least I am still shooting.

regrets and no regrets

Regret is such an asshole. The one feeling that I cannot stand to feel.   I dont know about you, but when I feel regret I torture myself with all the what if's and the could of's.  It's like drowning in a bathtub of shallow water.  You know all you need to do is lift your head but for someone reason you stay face first in the warm puddle.  Something feels disgustingly good about relishing in the misery.  It tells me I am capable of feeling something and that's a feat in itself.  The only thing I wish, is that the feelings I am capable of feeling weren't just sadness and regret.  I wish I could relish in the happy moments when they were right in front of me.

Ah, the self sabotage I do... it's killing me.
How do I stop and where do I even begin?

Monday, April 22, 2013

i swear we were friends

"I held my own / Still I rattled your bones 
Before we were lovers, I swear we were friends"

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