My skin is tightening around my bones. I think that it might strangle me. I feel overwhelmingly trapped. Like I'm dying for a breath of fresh air and a moment of peace. There's this point where everything inside of me starts to feel broken. So broken, that I can't even cry about it, because my tears too are falling apart. These moments come and go, just as the sun rises and falls, though not in any sort of predictable manner. Sometimes things get too quiet so I act up to give myself something to think about. My body succumbs to the disease living inside of it. Is it because I am allowing it to do so? If so, how do I learn to refuse? Broken parts heal, silence becomes peaceful.. I realize.. I'm ok. Are you ok?
Having that moment when you start to forget the things that you thought mattered to you.
When you realize what you thought mattered really might not matter at all... And then your heart breaks because it can't remember what it felt like to care.
There are these moments when a sort of clarity comes over me and I can suddenly see through all these walls I've built. I see all these moments that I've forgotten or chosen to ignore in order to continue living with the illusions that really just made me miserable. Particularly, made life with other people miserable. See, someone recently told me that I was hard to reach. It was meant neither in a bad nor good way, it was simply an observation, one that happened to drastically open my eyes. All of my young adult and adult life I have wandered from place to place. Strings of emotions trailing behind me. I've smiled this smile and I've passed the time with whoever was near.. but something inside of me never let them close enough. I have always been scared to be left behind. To not be included, to not be thought of, to not be important. My fear made that very thing a reality. I leave first, so as not to be left. I stick to the outside of the circle, trying to protect myself. I am usually forgotten or left behind. I feel so sad every time this happens, that I get tougher and tougher to avoid the sadness.. It's a vicious cycle. A cycle I vow to break. What I really want is to grab hold of those i love, to learn all I can about them, to allow them to learn all they can about me. To read me like a paper on a sunday morning. Truth is, I am just so damn scared that no one will ever want to know me.
Springtime is finally in the air and i feel much more like myself now.
I was found, then lost, then found again. Time for laying in the sun with the warmth on my back and tales of romance and love. I cant wait for corn on the cob, cold beer and records spinning round and round.
It feels as if I am living in emptiness, as if the very space I occupy is one big misunderstanding. Some things feel unhealthy, quite sick if I'm being honest. "I often have a longing for impossible things precisely because they are impossible. Nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been, regret over not being someone else." There comes times when I grow tired of waiting on life. I'm so tired of always looking to this future that is infinite. Sometimes I wonder why we even aspire to be anything at all, if the future will come and wipe it away in the end. Other times, I am so grateful for the chance at a clean slate.. a future unknown where possibility is limitless. Mostly though, I want, I crave, to make something of this life. To do something good. To learn how to love so deeply that my intentions are never a question. I want people to smile when they think of me. I want to be good.
all at once, it was as if the dark cloud that had shrouded my mind from seeing life had been lifted.
just like that, one single conversation, allowed me to release the things which i held so tightly. and for a moment, everything made sense it was as if the weight was slowly lifting from my shoulders. i wanted to rejoice... However, faithfully, the sadness that lives buried deep within is relentless in it's hold. I will diligently un pile the stack, one block at a time. Part of me is so scared to release all the heaviness that lives inside me, for what would I be without it? An empty shell? What would fill the empty space? Happiness? Fullfillment? or would another ghost move in and set-up camp? It's funny how we can convince ourselves of who we are, we can gloss over and think that we are someone else, without really examining our true nature. What started from the time I was a seed, I carry with me, whether I choose to see it or not. Well, my eyes are open now... I'll see myself for what I am, and I will work hard to change the bits that do me harm.
These last days of winter are haunted by fragments of things that I have lost along the way.
I try to sleep, to breath deep, exhale the air of loneliness from beneath my bones and lay here in stillness. My mind is anything but still. It is white water rapids, a derailed train, a runaway bride with no destination. I am spinning webs of dreams, reverberating tones of disappointment encompass me. My body is longing for signs of spring. New growth making it's way up from the depths. I am sunk in my pillows, hands splayed against this hollow chest. I will re-imagine this story in my dreams to wake with new ideas, a new heart and clear eyes. Almost everything is not as it seems.