All I Have Is Today.

Its hard to type this, my fingers are tired.. my mind is tired.. my body exhausted. Seems sometimes, when all seems well, "seem" should always be italicized. Something is always looming over head. So I add one more thing to my list, but at least I've been able to check a bunch off recently as well.. I just really wish my body didn't feel this way. Like a zombie, unable to communicate or move fluidly. I never knew anemia could be so severe. i thought it something simple. i never imagined it would do me like this. I want to close my eyes and sleep. hibernate for days on end. breathing is too much work, eating is too much work, everything takes energy that i just don't have.

Tiredness and worry make me feel like someone else, I can't help but wonder if something bad is going to happen to me. I can't help but want to push away those that are close so that I wont be let down when I need it most. I am nervous, does something lay ahead? Is there more bad news coming? Can't I just be well for a little while? Can I smile and love and dance and breathe deeply? And if not, even if I push you, will you still stay beside me, in case the tears start to fall, or i skin my knees? Sometimes, I want to be able to fall apart when my body falls apart, sometimes when I can't trust my skin and bones, i need someone to trust instead...
It gets hard sometimes... and I know that I'm just tired, but I just want to feel healthy again.