Come a little closer, take a look at me...

I am feverish with sleepy bones and a nervous system that rattles like a broken coke machine. Every shut eyelid echoes a high definition video in my head, on instant replay, of every bit of regret. I want to explode, to pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside. I don't want to live, instead I want to love first and live incidentally. I want to be bright. I wish I could play the sound of my heart beat through little speakers to everyone I meet, so they could understand how much they mean to me. My mind is buzzing with every random thought it's ever had, I'm aware of the silence, and the holes that I have where memories once resided. There are times when I think I'm waiting for help. For someone to tell me what the right thing to do is. Even though, at the back of my mind, I already know what that is. So all I'm really waiting for, is a time when I'm forced to do it. I have so many ghosts running inside of me but my heart remains the same. I want to spend all the time I have, doing things that make my heart spin, I want to dream big, breathe and cry if I must..
my heart is in this, for better or worse.