Why do i feel so different?

you ever wonder why we waste so much time on people we shouldn't?

things that just don't matter?  thoughts that aren't worth thinking?

Why do we focus so intently on that which we cannot fix or change?
these last few days I am weary and tired... and I can't stop thinking... why can I not just be the same?  why do I feel so different?  

For almost 2 year now I have stood tall... with courage and a sort of skewed understanding... I've thought if I could just believe in the good of it all, see through to the other side... I could make it there...  but here I am... 1 year 10 mos. and 13 days later... with my head in my hands... wondering how much more wrong it can go.  I know I am better than the first time... I know I can get there, to the place I read about... MS free... I just don't know how... I'm 29 years old now... I was 27 then... my purse, home, life is like a pharmacy... I barely see my friends, I'm surprised 1/2 of them still know my name...  and I'm worried... I'm worried that I'm damaged... I'm worried that I'm never going to find a way out... I'm scared.  I don't want to take 5o pills a day anymore...  I want my heart to beat the same as yours, my brain to think, my nerves to work... my blood is the same color, my heart it breaks the same... so why can't I stay up late with you? or share a drink?  or even go outside and run for miles? I just want to be 29 sometimes.... a regular 29... 

And, this may all pass tomorrow... but for now I'm tired... I'm tired of being given medicine after medicine... of sick stomachs, sick brains, muscle aches and pains., a sometimes heavy heart... my shoulders slouch from carrying so much weight. And I wish, I really wish... sometimes.. that i had something to hold on to .. some place, someone, somewhere.. Something that  I wasn't scared to love, a place I wasn't afraid to be alone something I knew I could never let down.... 
Perhaps I just need a good nights sleep. Maybe if I just keep standing tall and believing.... one day... I'll make it to the other side.