fragile or weak?

i can't breathe, can barely sleep...

I toss and turn beneath these grey sheets, hoping to see things in brighter colors, to little avail.  I realize now that no matter how often or sparse, nothing can prepare me for these moments when things go so terribly awry. I feel the blood rush from my head into my hands, but i can't feel anything. Just this nagging numbness, these tingling toes, this emptiness and disbelief. I think so much, but my thoughts seem to become endless tattered ideas...  For a moment I breathe and I remember.. something is different in me...  from that diagnosis day forth...  things will never ever be the same, no matter how hard I try or who tries with me, life took a universal u-turn and it's my choice whether I am left here to bleed or carry-on. This is my story.

Today I hung my feet from the pier for a brief moment, tears in my eyes kept me warm from the breeze.. I watched passersby... wondering what they might think if they were to see this tube in my arm, the IV pumping through.  i wished I never knew what this felt like, I wished that for a few days I could wake up happy and kiss the one I love, and show him how I remember life to feel before I felt this way. I wish I felt like me.. 

For some reason I feel like I need to tell you (whoever reads this blog) what ms feels like. Not just all this emotional stuff.. but text book... physical. In case you suffer from it yourself or someone you love does... it's MS awareness month.. and it's coming to a close.. and well, I am in the thick of it at the moment.. so here goes:

1. I have no balance. I can't remember what its like to stand on one leg. I walk into walls and therefore get many bruises because of it.

2. Fatigue- i know.. people always say. "yeah, I've been really tired lately" when you try to explain "fatigue" to them.. and I wish I could yell that it's not the same.  I have it bad..not just from MS but from being really anemic as well.  Sometimes speaking is too much effort, raising my arms is too hard.. everything just wants to stop working because i am just sooo "tired"

3. Spasticity- I have been chronically stiff. I'm not even sure if it hurts or not because I've become so accustomed to this level of discomfort.  my muscles are like rocks.. (that aint no joke)

4. Bees in my spine/toes/shoulders/ feeling electric-- my whole left side gets a party bag of sensations. When cold water touches my feet it feels like I'm burning, sometimes it feels like instead of butterfly in my tummy I have them in my spine... my leg and foot get this deep itch often where it feels like my bones are itching and burning. NOT COOL.

5. This one is kind of embarassing, but nonetheless.. it's a part of it.. and if I'm going to be honest I need to talk about it.  GOING PEE. I constantly "think" I need to pee. But I don't really need to pee at all.. just a strange little nerve telling me I do.  wahooo...

I dont expect this to change anything.. I am so afraid to exist lately. I feel so often like I don't have the strength to put up hearty resolutes. My insides are caving in, my veins exhausted, my stomach turning.. my heart is spilling out into the open for everyone to see...   maybe today.. I will lock it all in a box.. and regain my faith... what goes up must come down... what comes down..MUST go up.

MS you never cease to amaze me.

xo