Flowers in her hair

There are these moments when a sort of clarity comes over me and I can suddenly see through all these walls I've built.  I see all these moments that I've forgotten or chosen to ignore in order to continue living with the illusions that really just made me miserable.   Particularly, made life with other people miserable.   See, someone recently told me that I was hard to reach.  It was meant neither in a bad nor good way, it was simply an observation, one that happened to drastically open my eyes.  All of my young adult and adult life I have wandered from place to place.  Strings of emotions trailing behind me.  I've smiled this smile and I've passed the time with whoever was near.. but something inside of me never let them close enough.  I have always been scared to be left behind.  To not be included, to not be thought of, to not be important. My fear made that very thing a reality.  I leave first, so as not to be left.  I stick to the outside of the circle, trying to protect myself.  I am usually forgotten or left behind.  I feel so sad every time this happens, that I get tougher and tougher to avoid the sadness.. It's a vicious cycle. A cycle I vow to break.  What I really want is to grab hold of those i love, to learn all I can about them,  to allow them to learn all they can about me.  To read me like a paper on a sunday morning.  Truth is, I am just so damn scared that no one will ever want to know me.