Gratitude

It was almost 5 years ago, that I truly started going through what has been one of the most difficult situations I've ever had to bare thus far in my life: getting diagnosed with MS. I remember the time as if it were yesterday. I remember how life was surrounding it. Not only the diagnosis and the fear of what would happen to my body everyday but I also remember how my relationships with people in my life either grew or fell apart, and how that pain too felt endless. Now I remember that It was because of this process and my will to endure, survive and overcome that I had to dig deep to find meaning and answers. Now I must re-apply these findings, and remember my own strength. 

Having this perspective again has helped me see that everything that happens is a reaction to something else.  It was only because I changed my view, took a few steps to the side, that I am able to understand what is happening and where it's all coming from. This understanding has given me peace and awareness.

I've decided to start accepting what is happening instead of desiring things to be different. I want to stop hurting and I know that the only way to achieve this is to be fully present and to stop obsessing on outside things over which I have no full control. It's not so much about the final process itself but more about what I can do now with what I have this instant.

I've begun a very intimate process of gratitude.  I will thank the universe for absolutely everything that is happening in my life and start acknowledging every small moment of joy that I have been fortunate to savor.  Little by little I know I will start to find joy in the small things again.  My body is trying desperately to tell me something: that relying on others for happiness, well-being and joy is wrong.  I need to provide these things for myself and I will make my greatest effort to get to the day when I can once again breathe calmly and deeply.