Flipping coins...

I used to wish a lot. On a lot of coins in a thousand different fountains on every loose eyelash and every 11:11 clock.. It was as if I had these magical few seconds where everything just went away and I could close my eyes and make time stop.. All I thought about were those things that I wanted, that were better, different.. that were going to make me happy. Since I was little, I've believed in wishes.. and I mean wholey, completely, with every ounce of my body and soul.. I wished so hard.... But now I realize... life isn't up to wishes or fantasies.. sometimes you just don't get to choose I guess..

So here I am.. no longer drawing straws, no longer shutting my eyes tight.. instead, they are wide open and staring, unblinking.. forward.. into a future that I am now terrified of ... I wake up everday now and I'm scared.. Im stuck in this body that is broken and I can't help but to feel broken too. Every night, I don't want to close my eyes because I don't want to wake up to something new. What if I wake up one day and I can't walk? What if I'm sitting here and all of a sudden I cannot see? What happens then? I dont want to sit back and watch my body deteriorate, Im scared... And sadly, I am untrusting of my own body now.. I want to be strong and I want to be positive, but sometimes, when I feel these things that are happening inside of me, I just want them to stop. I think about the future... all the things I thought I always wanted, some things that I wont be able to have now, and a part of me can't help but feel sad for it all... Sad for the things that I am going to miss, sad for the ease at which I am no longer going to be able to do some of them... I start to wonder if up until now, I've lived the best, healthiest days of my life. Why didn't I appreciate things more?



It may seem small of me.. Im not sure, I know there are people out there with so much more strength and such greater problems.. and I think of them everyday.. but sometimes I just need a momentary lapse in strength.. sometime I just want to be weak..I guess that time is now.