Today, as it has been many days in the past, my faith is tested. In all things good, my strength and ability to remain at ease. It's been a long hard road... some of you may know... others may not.. but ever since that fateful may night in san diego 7 years ago.. my life changed, and from there... I've been tested every step of the way as if deserving of it... Sometimes I cant help but wonder what I've done to deserve this.
I try hard not to be a downer for the most part.. but for now, Im going to share this with you, because look, bottom line is that Im scared, and I'm alone out here, and I need people, though I try to pretend I don't, I really do. Instinct sends me running for help everytime something goes wrong, and it's not only not fair, it's also old, and when no one is there anymore my heart breaks, and it adds to this feeling of whatever it is in the pit of my stomach... and I need to learn to trust those who care about me and to let them be there for me... because I need them..
Yesterday I got the call from the doctor, my new MRI from the day before came back showing 2 new deep white matter lesions. For those who I've talked to regularly, you know my leg went numb a few weeks back.. so I guess when all is said and done, they think i may have multiple sclerosis.... Im being admitted to the hospital this morning for a lumbar puncture. I heard they hurt.. but I think Im okay with it.. I figure... if they can wrap up.. whatever it is that is going on inside my body.. put a name on it.. sign and seal it.. then it's better than not knowing.. even if it is MS.. I would rather know and move on and get treated and feel good... then always wonder and go through testing.
I am just feeling a little vulnerable right now and scared.. and I want everyone I am truly close with to know how much I appreciate their support.
Love,
me
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