"The Telling... (and so it goes)

There's so much on my mind today, I think mostly it all stems from "the telling". I never realized the hardest part of having an immune system gone amok would be in telling others whom I've only just begun to know that I have "it". I mean as much as I'd like to think it does not matter at all, there is absolutely no way to tell how one may react. I can totally be rejected because of something that is completely out of my control. It's sad and disheartening but I guess I better get used to it quick. If there's one thing that is going to happen out of this, this disease is going to toughen me up when it comes to relationships with others. I think that's a good thing as I've always been quite a sensitive girl when it comes to the heart. I am going to have to learn how not to care when I've been discarded, when others form opinions. THIS is a lesson. Because the truth is, though this is a part of what I am, it is far from defining who I am. You know, I guess I never even thought it would be a big deal at first, I never stopped to think that this made me damaged goods or any different from anyone else. It wasn't until the person I loved the most turned their back on me out of fear of what would happen that I began to feel unworthy.. like I was un-whole b/c I had MS. Even though I would like to think I made it through that, I guess I'm a bit gun shy now. I think...if this person couldn't stay beside me, will anyone?

I sat up last night for hours...Trying to look up MS... see if I could find someone like me who was blogging or something, but I found nothing... just older people who were far more debillitated and less hopeful. I guess I've just been really "in it" lately. Sometimes I'll be completely fine, and then I'll just think too much.. I'll start thinking of the future and whether or not I can succeed in this mind over matter bit... whether or not I'll just be a heap on the floor with all these holes in my brain, useless... I guess the fact of the matter is, that you should never underestimate the power of the human will and spirit... I think I can do what I want...make of it, what I choose.. which is good, because I really don't want to be a heap..Sometimes it just gets the best of me.. Sometimes, when i get to the telling, my palms get clammy, my stomach twirls and I worry that I'll suddenly look different in their eyes, I start to doubt my efforts... but I know, I know that someone WILL take it as a positive part of who I am, because the truth is, at the end of the day , It's made me better, wiser, stronger... and that is more than I could ever ask for.