dis-ease

dis-ease:  being not at ease, ill at ease

There's not many moments lately where I let MS get the best of me.  For the most part, I tend to ignore its existence altogether.. We play this eternal game, and so far, I have been the victor. Today however, is a different story.  Parts of me wishes that the pains I'm feeling now were something tangible,  were something I could grin and bear, take an injection and fend off... unfortunately, i'm wishing simply for what i do not have.  I realized when I first was diagnosed that life would change drastically.  I put things into perspective and took a long hard look at my life.. what I have yet to prepare for though is the things it affects outside of my body.

For almost 2 years now.. I have been working only part-time due to limitations put on me by MS.  It's proved successful for me, as I've whiddled my meds down to one and managed to stay away from anymore bouts with solu-medrol.. which in lamens terms mean's.. I've stayed in remission!  I have been so lucky and blessed to have been able to obtain this... however, today I received word that I would no longer be able to receive SDI benefits... which makes it impossible to pay my bills with what I make form part time hours alone.  It feels like everything I've worked for.. to get where I am... can simply be taken away b/c of a disease and a faulty government program that should protect me.  I feel lost.. like my options are narrowing... the thought of not being able to be financially responsible for myself is almost a bit dehumanizing...  If anything could be as bad as feeling sick from MS.. it's feeling helpless.

I know I'm not helpless though.. and somehow, someway I'll figure things out.. but for now.. i hate MS. I wish it never came into my life.. and I wish god would do me a solid just once and magically take it away.  I wish I could work full time and not get sick... I wish I could feel healthy every single day and I wish I didn't ever have to know the feeling of having to prioritize and put things into perspective because of an illness.

Don't get me wrong, I am in no means feeling sorry for myself. I know I am lucky to be where I am and have the love around me that I have... Sometimes though, just sometimes... i want to be angry at MS and I want to tell it that it's not fair.