It's mostly my own fault

I took a long hard look in the mirror and finally I could see everything.
I could see everything...

Every fiber in my body wanted me to look away- I couldn't take the scenes unfolding -- I made myself sick but I forced my eyes open.   I know this is important-- I know this is me-- and I need to see-- I need to see myself exposed... I need to see myself through your eyes-- through all of their eyes... I need to see what I've done.

How do I change it?  This person that I've become.  How did I ever become it?  I can barely stand the thought of it. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin right now.  Thinking of who I am and what I've done makes my bones shake and my head ache. I want to peel off this layer of who I am and become somebody new.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I'm so damn sorry to all of you.

I hardly have any words... this look in the mirror left me unhinged.   I have no excuses... the best thing that I can do for you, the best way that I can be there for you... I know is to walk away.  I don't want to have to walk away again from someone who is beautiful and true and just like the sun.  My heart loves you so much- so purely- but I understand now that my heart has always been fearful and it never showed you that love in the way that love should be shown.  How could i love someone and treat them this way?  HOW?  How did my love not come out the right way? 

Here's the truth:

I've been damaged- I've been broken- I've suffered traumas that no one should ever have to suffer.. and it changed me... I didn't realize how much--I didn't see it at all. And it's not an excuse- it should never be an excuse.  I just didn't know.

The need to control was born from fear- a fear of abandonment, a fear of vulnerability, a fear of things going wrong.

The fear came after everything always went wrong, after I was abandoned, after I let myself be vulnerable.  So to protect myself somewhere along the way I learned to control.  If I can control what's happening around me- then maybe nothing bad will happen- If I can control my emotions then I will never be vulnerable and can't get hurt.  If I can control my relationship then maybe I can be sure that they'll always love me and never abandon me. 

None of it works... none of it.  All I did was hurt those that I loved with my control.. all I did was push them to abandon me, all I did was assure bad things would happen.... all I did was hurt myself.

I feel so rotten-- how could I not see all the hurt and destruction I was causing... Why was I so fearful when all that you were was good and safe?  Why did you love me anyway?

God I feel sick-- I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be controlling.  How do I change? How do I make it better?

in my head-- all I keep saying is I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.. that I ever made you feel invaluable, that I ever made you feel not enough, that I ever made you feel small, that I ever made you feel any ounce of doubt or unlove.   You don't deserve that... and I would say that I will never do it again, the honest truth is that I NEVER want to do it again to anyone ever... but I know it will take work.. long, hard introspection and time.  So from this day forward, I promise to always be aware and to do my best to never let it happen to someone I love again.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... for all the hurt and destruction I have caused.  I take my responsibility. I see it now.....

Stranger

I noticed you today,  as you played with your fingertips, and shifted from side to side... there was a time when your movements were as familiar as breathing.

The Wolf.

This isn’t how it was supposed to be, this isn’t the way it was meant to be.. 

this is just how it is because your eyes are closed and you can’t even see.   

I can’t keep getting blamed for this- just tell me you'd already decided this

because you were already at the exit - Not because I called your sis…

see,  there’s no way everything changes in a day- 

love can't change that quickly into hate

cause you don’t even know the whole story— 

you don’t even know how much I worried— 

I was on my knees and even then - I prayed to god to let me be the one who bleeds. 

Had my head in my hands shaking- trying to save you - couldn't picture a day without you

I was ready to take your pain and shame onto my shoulders, go to battle as on one of your soldiers

I never sold you out- stupid me- I never even had a doubt— I didn’t think you would turn on me- 

thought we were in this together- I was here always thinking forever- 

I didn’t have a runner up- could never even think of another one- 

but here you are saying these things- telling me how much you meant to hurt me? 

my mind can’t even hear what you’re saying— it’s all so foreign to me… 

I never even saw it coming- teeth cut sharp and your nostrils flaring… 

when did you become a wolf trying to kill me?

I'm far from the shallow now

Nothing feels safe. It feels like I'm drowning and the worst part of all is that your hand is the only one that can save me.  How do I come up for air?

Then I Buried Myself in Romantic Sentiment and Waited for You.

I thought of you 9/10ths of today.  My mind lost in a story of better times.  Out in that lagoon- I could feel the warm sun mixed with the cold water on my skin and how it felt when you gently put your hands on my shoulders. Like a lightning bolt zapped down my spine.  I thought of how happy I felt in that moment.  You asked me about my dreams and I asked about your fears. I thought of laying intertwined with you- my head sunk in your chest- I remember breathing in-  like my gut knew to savor it.   You see- I’ve made so many mistakes out of fear- something i tend to repeatedly do, I wish that I would stop.  This was different, you were different. You feel like home to me. You feel like a warm blanket when I’m cold, when my bones are rattling you feel like a calm breeze.  I think that scared me.  I never really have known how to accept love, how to believe that someone could give me love- I always just wait for it to be taken away.  I push and I push as if to make it happen so that I can say “see I told you so, love isn’t real. “ I wish I didn’t push- I wish I’d said one million times how good it felt to be yours.  Because now that I’m not-  it feels like a storm inside of me. 

Angel of slow death

"I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I write this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it doesn't get it. This is is the sign you've been looking for. You were mean't to read these words."

I can't get anything right.

I am dying. 

I swear
it feels like I am dying

But my heart is not quiet
It beats with reckless abandon, 

For you. 

I am dying. 

Will you come to my bedside and hold my hand?

Reclaim what's yours. 

I have nothing left that doesn't belong to you.  

Every piece, every single atom

of me, was meant for you. 

I am only complete in my incompleteness

I've read every book in this house
listened to every record

I've cleaned every surface

still
every day I entertain your ghost

I am dying.
Slowly...

everytime you smile,

I smile and then I die

Everytime i hear you, 

you hear me and then I die.

slowly dying one thousand deaths

and yet, 

I still believe it to be a beautiful place.

x

The boy who walked off with the sun

I misplace things.. I'm sorry that I lost you.  I should have paid more attention.  I blame it on the holes in my brain.. so many holes sometimes the good things escape or get lost along the way.  I never wanted rescuing, but boy, do I need it now.  For you, you my dear, walked off with the sun and now I'm a girl inside a box of darkness. It's like all the magic is gone from my face. The thought makes my whole body thrum. It's like someone vacuumed up the horizon while I was looking the other way. I am crazy sad, and somewhere deep inside, all i want is to fly.  I don't know if you know that I'm searching for you. I don't know if you know that I've never stopped looking.  You see, it's really simple to explain,  the sky is everywhere and you my love are like the sky.

This is how you lose her P1

Okay, we didn't work and all...
memories, to tell you the truth, aren't all good
But most times, there were good times.
Love was good.
I loved your crooked sleep beside me and never dreamed afraid.
There should be stars for great wars like ours.

It's just how i look in the light

Something has gone terribly awry here.  Like time has passed at warped speed and before I knew it I was standing here with a hole in my heart and no place to call home.  Feeling like an outcast on the inside, looking like I must belong from the outside.  Somewhere between time and space I took a crooked turn, and my crooked smile got lost along the way. Somewhere I went horribly wrong, somewhere I made a really bad decision.  What I want and what I thought I wanted didn't match up and now I can't set it right.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about the time that i turned left when you turned right.  I can feel myself spiraling.. down, down, down she goes... into the pits of my stomach, the marrow of my bones... I must deserve this loneliness.. for what I've done.  Will i ever stop walking away?

Made to fit

Been thinking, Maybe I always feel out of place because I am always placing myself where I don't belong. So, I've STARTED PROMISING MYSELF TO NEVER STAY ANYWHERE I’M NOT VERY MUCH WANTED. I HAVE TOO MANY SCARS TO BE BREAKING MY BONES TO FIT INTO PLACES THAT WEREN’T MADE TO FIT ME.

uno

It's been a while since I've simply let my fingers graze these keys.  My mind get's filled with so many thoughts and dreams that I often get overwhelmed and as a result get nothing out. I was thinking today, sitting in silence and suddenly the words weren't fleeting anymore.

I've realized (finally) that, for the most part, I've become the woman I never thought I would be.  A woman who is simply comfortable in her own skin and sure of who she is and where she belongs. A woman who can look at all the people in her life that surround her with love and feel truly grateful and happy for each one of them.   I by no means have it all figured out nor have everything I want, but this place that I'm at in my life is a place I never envisioned I would be. Not even in my wildest dreams.  So for this moment, I am extremely proud of where I am. This is the first time I've stopped worrying when it would happen and instead embraced and realized the fact that it has happened. I've survived many obstacles up to this point and I can't even imagine who I would be without them.

so this is the new year.

A few weeks late, but I felt I should reflect on the past year.  2013 wrecked me in many ways.  Straight from the start I nursed a broken heart. But looking back I should admit that it was equally the most incredible and by far one of the hardest years I've had in a while.  I could not tell up from down or dark from light. It was as if I'd been flipped and twisted every which way. I was emptied, but now I am filled back up.  I am stronger and happier than I could have imagined months ago.  More content with where my path has lead me and filled with faith and trust that this is where I was meant to be.

Our hearts are made to be broken, but they are also made to heal

Everything hurts. My skin and bones hurt, my soul hurts, my heart hurts.

My mind feels like it's on the verge of spinning out of control and I can feel it teetering.  I'm managing to hold on to the one strand that's keeping me strong but I'm oh so tempted to let it all go.  I've never been able to comprehend people leaving.  How someone can be in your life one moment, in every moment, and then completely gone the next.  I've always been fearful of losing the ones I love.  I try so hard to never feel sorry for myself, to always be grateful for the blessings I have, but there's occasionally times like these, when everything comes down on me at once and I feel like I lose control, I lose my faith and I question-"who would allow such sadness to happen?" I'll try not to linger too long in this place, but right now I just want to be hugged so tight that all my broken pieces are put back together. 

Gratitude

It was almost 5 years ago, that I truly started going through what has been one of the most difficult situations I've ever had to bare thus far in my life: getting diagnosed with MS. I remember the time as if it were yesterday. I remember how life was surrounding it. Not only the diagnosis and the fear of what would happen to my body everyday but I also remember how my relationships with people in my life either grew or fell apart, and how that pain too felt endless. Now I remember that It was because of this process and my will to endure, survive and overcome that I had to dig deep to find meaning and answers. Now I must re-apply these findings, and remember my own strength. 

Having this perspective again has helped me see that everything that happens is a reaction to something else.  It was only because I changed my view, took a few steps to the side, that I am able to understand what is happening and where it's all coming from. This understanding has given me peace and awareness.

I've decided to start accepting what is happening instead of desiring things to be different. I want to stop hurting and I know that the only way to achieve this is to be fully present and to stop obsessing on outside things over which I have no full control. It's not so much about the final process itself but more about what I can do now with what I have this instant.

I've begun a very intimate process of gratitude.  I will thank the universe for absolutely everything that is happening in my life and start acknowledging every small moment of joy that I have been fortunate to savor.  Little by little I know I will start to find joy in the small things again.  My body is trying desperately to tell me something: that relying on others for happiness, well-being and joy is wrong.  I need to provide these things for myself and I will make my greatest effort to get to the day when I can once again breathe calmly and deeply. 

directionless

In the meantime.

I hope you find this...
I hope curiosity gets the best of you and you find yourself here. I hope I am not intimidating in my words, but honest and gentle instead.  I'm a kind person, you'll see. It was never meant to be this way.

Things can change drastically from day to day, I've learned this an unfortunate amount of times.  So while I put no blame on anyone but myself, I also believe there comes a point in time where everyone deserves to know the truth.  Those eyes that get hidden behind. It starts to happen so often it becomes hard to tell stories from truth.  Eventually, one either believes or questions everything.  Our naiveté most often determines what we'll choose.

I just wanted you to know, that I've been around.  Up until now, I've been around.

Like a greyhound running his best race, going round and round chasing a puppet on a string. I've been quiet and steady and happy and sad every single day.  I didn't realize what was happening to me until it happened. Until I opened my eyes. It happened with a photograph, that moment that made me see the real truth.  All this time darling, that man was having his cake and eating it too.

Chapter One.

sweetheart, what have I done to us?

Heart is lost at sea. It's as if my boat had been anchored but I still drifted while the boat was kept in place.  I'm watching where I should be, slowly disappear on the horizon.  I wonder if I'll notice you are missing? 

Reprieve

I'm a hostage.

/ it's a very fine line babe, between you and me..

and I crossed it many times. /