the dirty truth.

It's been a while since I've had much to say. Been lost in my mind, or out of my mind I guess I could say. So much happens when you stop paying attention. I wish i had a video camera to record every second of every day. There is one thing I know right now.. which is that I am asked at least 5 times a day, how I am feeling. It doesn't bother me at all.. what bothers me most is how robotic my response has become. GREAT! FINE! BETTER! or a variation thereof.. I wonder sometimes if people really want to know the truth... the brutal cold truth... I wonder if I should tell... it feels sometimes as if I'm holding this great secret.. but honestly sometimes I'm not even sure how I'm feeling today. So here it is.. the truth, so far...

I wake up every day to a new day. The meaning of that is paramount to anything I've ever said before. Everyday is new. Today is different than yesterday, sometimes better, sometimes different, sometimes worse. The thing is, that when I open my eyes and stretch my arms, I'm cognizant of the way it feels... the way everything feels. I wiggle my toes.. and it's in that wiggling that I find my breath stops, and my heart beats... for a split second... I worry, and I feel.. how are my toes today? Can I feel the blanket against them? Are they moving? Does everything feel right? If everything checks out, I smile wide, give myself a high five and I return to breathing. Thats just the way it goes now. I look in the mirror every day and I look fine. Good even. I've lost a lot of weight, my skin is glowing, my hair has grown.. I'm getting healthy.. and I cant help but question myself.. I cant help but think.."you look fine, now act fine..".. the thing is underneath this skin and bones.. these little antibodies are hard at work... moving and buzzing and tearing me apart. I'm under attack.. and I can feel it happening. I don't feel right to say the least. When I walk.. I walk with a sway. Like Im drunk.. the room spins and I lose my balance.. and I cant remember things, easy things.. I try hard.. but they're just not there... I feel like Im not there.. like Im somewhere far away.. watching me. It's weird and hard to explain... but I don't feel sharp. and I'm tired. But not the usual tired... tired like... my speech is slurred b/c it's too much work to move my tongue... tired.. like I cant pick up my arm.. tired like I just turn off and shut down... battery dead... it's unlike anything I have ever felt before. So the thing is... that in a way, I wish my outside would look like my inside.. so at least I would have something physical to see... instead I have to sit here... staring at myself.. wondering why I cant just feel the way I look.... wondering why I feel like Im a million miles away... wondering what today is going to be like... it gets tough sometimes... but look, the thing is... the REAL thing is... right now... at this moment in time... I want to stop everything... see, all the drama and the bullshit and the things I've been so eager to grow up and away from... suddenly.. I want to freeze.... cause I don't know what's going to happen when I get older... and this is it... this is the stuff... right now. I want to roll around in it and savor it, and be thankful for it and most of all... MOST of all, I want to kiss everyone on their foreheads and tell them thank you... for showing me how to live.